Soapboxing Balderdash

How Social Networking Is Inflating Your Ego: From A Narcissist’s Perspective

2011-07-19T16:33:00.000-07:00

After a long sabbatical from writing articles, I bring you...
http://www.soundmagonline.com/?p=1621

Of Beauty Queens and Vampires

2011-04-11T20:38:00.000-07:00

I found myself in a Radisson hotel conference room at 11 pm listening to the emotional and spiritual benefits of drinking blood. My sister told me not to go alone--I didn’t tell my mother anything. But there I was, alone, in a room full of vampires. They call themselves Sanguinarians. These were people that you could meet on the street and you wouldn’t even suspect that they drank blood. In fact there is an entire multi-faceted subculture of Sanguinarians world-wide that meet via the Internet. It started out as a project for my freshman English class, but my anthropologist tendencies drove me to meet with the Sanguinarians. My fieldwork evolved into somewhat of an ethnography that I later presented in my anthropology classes. Recently, I was asked to give a lecture on the topic at the University of Otago in New Zealand while I was there for a research project. My mother nearly killed me when she eventually found out about the vampires.

Even more frightening than meeting vampires was when I participated in the Miss Utah USA pageant as Miss Provo.

The glaring stage lights flashed on, the music blared into existence. As I stood in the wings of the theater the thought flashed across my mind, “Holy crap! What in the world would motivate me to subject myself to this kind of embarrassment?” I pushed the thought aside as our cue came to the outdated, cheesy Ricky Martin song, The Cup of Life. The lyrics called out, “Do you really want it?” I and all the rest of the contestants screamed back, “Yeah!” “Do you really want it?” “Yeah!” as we strutted on the stage to perform the opening number dance for the Miss Utah USA 2009 beauty pageant. Albeit corny, the lyrics were true, we all desperately wanted that crown.

To this day I don’t know what made me decide to participate in a beauty pageant. I blame it on my craving for the exposure of things with which I am not familiar. But I learned a thing or two in the process. Besides how to cat-walk in a swimsuit, I learned how to stand up straight, how to write thank you cards for everything, how to get involved in the community, how to be a considerate and composed ambassador, and how to handle rejection gracefully. Once again my inner anthropologist commandeered and I turned my experience in the beauty pageant into an ethnography on the social construction of beauty. Participant-observation methodology to that degree is something I’m sure not a whole lot of anthropologists would ever be willing to do.

My experience among the vampires and beauty queens seemed crazy to others at the time. And to some people it probably still is. But to anthropologists these subcultures within society are enthralling. Whether you’re blood thirsty for a crown or just plain blood thirsty, it’s all part of how you construct your reality. Maybe I’m the crazy one--maybe anthropology is my calling in life. Whatever the case, I have the tenacity it takes to go where the average person hasn’t gone before. But next time, I’ll consider telling my mother first.

Noirtastic!

2011-04-05T19:03:00.000-07:00

Because I have a much smaller audience on my blog (as opposed to facebook) I figure posting this link will do less damage here. I don't know whether or not I should share this with anyone I know. But it happened. There's been interesting reactions. It could be a complete waste of your time, so if you value the 2 minutes and 35 seconds this will take, then don't click on the link--I guess it depends on your sense of humor, because you might really like it. Although, I must say, I look pretty darn good despite the fact that I can't act worth a dime.

Of Unemployment and Self-Discovery: How to survive when you’re a recent unemployed grad

2011-03-26T22:58:00.000-07:00

So congratulations, you’ve decided to graduate in an economy that has no jobs for you--good job! Well, I guess we all can’t stay in school forever. One day, you have to face the real world. But for some people, there’s a liminal phase between graduation day and starting out in the real world. If you’re like me -- and you didn’t look for employment before you actually graduated -- the first issue to tackle is to find a way to bring home the bacon. I’m sure many people (about 15 million Americans) can commiserate with me--it is a heck of a lot harder to find a job than I ever thought it would be.

The second issue is that you should not take adjusting to life after school lightly. This is a major life transition. It doesn’t always go as smoothly as you imagined. Keep in mind that any dramatic life change is a shift in your perception of reality. It’s a process. I was in school my entire life. Then -- one ritualistic ceremony of funky robes and boring speeches later -- my life as I knew it had ended.

To further delay the inevitable transition to the “real world”, I decided to tag along with one of my favorite professors to New Zealand for a research project. The experiences I had and opportunities that it opened for me were priceless, but I came back still jobless and completely broke. And to make matters worse, it was summertime and all of my friends were gone. My sister was kind enough to let me bum in the basement apartment of her house. I had no furniture so at night I’d sleep in my nephew’s bunk bed (he sleeps in his mom’s room). Completely lost and depressed, I’m pretty sure I slept most hours of the day.

Unfortunately for humans, we can’t hibernate for months on end, so I eventually had to get out of bed. I decided to pick up some abandoned hobbies: blogging, drawing, and modeling. I even volunteered to be an assistant to an anthropologist from New Zealand who came to Utah to do research (who is now my Master’s thesis adviser). I had no money and no friends, but the day was mine to do whatever I wanted. This time -- I realized -- was for me. And I loved it.

However, I had to eat. (My sister’s pantry consisted of her Atkin’s diet food, her husband’s Weight Watcher’s diet food and the kid’s Easy-Mac and fruit snacks -- all not exactly edible food). So I signed up at a couple of temp-agencies and my sister’s in-laws paid me to clean their house and weed their yard. Nothing teaches you the value of hard work like starving.

When my sister gave me a deadline of when I had to start paying rent, I began hunting daily for hours on end for employment. One of my temp jobs luckily turned into a longer term position. I’m very grateful, don’t get me wrong, but sitting in a cubicle for 9-plus hours a day made me really realize what I took for granted in my previous life.

If I may bestow some wisdom I gleaned from my experiences, I would tell you that unemployment can be a wonderful time of self-discovery. It took me a while to get out of my depression and start enjoying it, but by the time I did, I honestly wasn’t looking forward to getting a real job.

The most important thing to do when you’re unemployed, however, is to never give up hope. Always be working towards employment. Dedicate most of your time to the hunt. Someone told me that you should think of job-hunting as your full-time position. This advice will keep you motivated and busy so you don’t get sucked into a debilitating pit of despair.

Those 40 hours a week can include, filling out applications (one application alone can seriously take multiple days), spicing up your resume so it is relevant and specific to the job you’re applying for, writing cover letters, networking--pester everyone you know, utilizing social networks like LinkedIn and Facebook, sign up with multiple temp agencies, fine-tuning your marketable skills, practicing interviews.Take every little job you get, even if it is weeding or scrubbing a toilet--you never know what will lead you to employment.

Only after you’ve spent the majority of your day searching, then you can do the things you’ve always wanted to do but never had enough time to do it (as long as these things don’t cost anything).

90's ARE BACK: NY FASHION WEEK

2011-02-16T18:00:00.000-08:00

Designers like, Betsey Johnson, Vena Cava, Alexander Wang, Rebecca Taylor, and Diane Von Furstenberg are all paying homage to the decade that gave us floral sun dresses, tunics over trousers, boatnecks, palazzo pants, floor length dresses and chokers, oh my! Let’s just hope stirrup pants or mom jeans don’t make a comeback anytime soon.

One of my favorites from fashion week so far:

I decided to venture to DI to see what treasures I could find there...and I found something remarkably similar to that Vena Cava dress for a grand total of $6. (Picture coming soon)

The 90's remind me of shows like Clarissa Explains it All. I've always wanted to have the ability to freeze time and have a pet alligator named Elvis.

NIGHTLINE Appearance, I'm like super famous

2011-01-13T19:37:00.000-08:00

Apparently, I'm more famous than a half-covered face in a magazine. My mom saw me on this NIGHTLINE clip...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enWWeGu3JKw&feature=channel

If you don't want to watch the whole thing look for me at :55; 1:41; and 4:20

So...you only see me for a few seconds. And I don't talk. But hey, I was on TV!!

I wonder if other people and their families get excited and freak-out like this over a few half second appearances on the screen, or am I just that lame?

Me=Mike from Monsters, Inc.

2011-01-12T19:53:00.000-08:00

I felt like Mike in Monsters, Inc. when Steve, my brother in-law, showed me this article in a trade magazine called the Chief Marketer...

Do you see me?

Here let me point it out....

My face is completely covered...BUT I’M IN A MAGAZINE!!!!!!

I'M FAMOUS!!! WOOHOOO!!!!!!!!

Here is the viral ad I was in for a few seconds that got me here today.

I miss blogging

2010-11-07T20:12:00.000-08:00

Well, after all the blog posts and whining about being unemployed, I got my wish. I am employed!...Hence the long absence from the blogging world. Turns out 8-5 grown up life is really really hard (and the whining continues...). My brain is so dead by the end of the day that I haven't been able to write or draw awesome pictures in Microsoft Paint. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I miss being unemployed. I had so much time and freedom to do whatever I wanted to do (as long as it didn't cost anything). But I guess being employed is good too because now I can actually buy food...and clothes! Yay for clothes! And of course save for grad school. :)

Maybe as I get used to the whole grown-up working thing, I will be able to find a balance to get back into blogging and drawing and stuff.

A Social Analysis of Hugs

2010-09-05T15:52:00.000-07:00

I’ve always been of the opinion that anthropologists are really just creepy people watchers with advanced degrees. So when I was waiting to pick up my BFF Karma yesterday at the airport, I did what anthropologists do best: sit and stare at people. Airports are interesting places. The aroma is a mixture of departing sadness and joyous reuniting. You can tell which people are departing their loved ones, and which ones are arriving to reunite just by observing the physical contact exchange. One such exchange of physical contact, embracing (i.e., hugs) can reveal vast amounts of information about the relationship between the participants.

A middle-aged man walked towards the baggage claim area, made eye contact with a group of people and threw up his arms in the air with a large grin and met the group of people. When you imagine a father and the relationship with his teenage son, it’s stereotypical for you to imagine it to be a somewhat tensed relationship. However when this man at the airport embraced a teenage boy he did so with a demeanor of a proud father. By the length of their hug, I could tell that they must have been separated for a substantial amount of time. I could also infer that the man and the teenager had a good relationship because no obvious signs of father-son tensions were displayed in their embrace (at least for that moment). After a few pats on the back, the man then embraced a younger boy of not more than ten years of age. This embrace was gentler than the first but slightly more playful, suited to a father lovingly hugging his child. Finally, the man embraced the woman. This hug was tender but tighter than that of the hugs with the boys. The man and the woman swayed slightly as they hugged as she repeatedly kissed him on the cheek. As they released each other they lingered, hands still in contact, gazing into each other’s eyes.

Then Karma came around the corner, found me and half-skipped towards me colliding forcefully with me. We hugged with exaggerated rocking, lots of laughter, and a boa-constrictor-like grip. You can probably deduce what kind of relationship we have. Empirical data would be difficult to collect in order to make a more accurate hypothesis, but I can reasonably conjecture that hugs can be indicative of the various kinds of relations people construct in their reality.

It’s amazing to think that all of those nameless faces I see everyday have an entire world revolving around their network of family and friends just like I do. It’s even more astounding to realize that there are billions upon billions of people who I know nothing about, but nevertheless have an enclave of people that love and support them. It might be cliché to say this but, those relationships are what make life worth living.

Pay attention to the body language of the next hug you receive, and appreciate just how much you are loved.

Rejected!

2010-08-30T17:51:00.000-07:00

Well once again I made it to the final round of interviews only to be gypped by a person with 'more experience.' Experience is so overrated. Remember that whole old dog/new trick shebang? Yeah. I've got more to offer. I've got brilliance, talent, and a willingness to learn. How can I get any experience if I'm not given any? I mean seriously guys. I recently applied to a Web Content Writer position and came really close to being chosen...but of course they picked the person with 'more experience' or whatever. We had to write an audition piece of sorts for one of their client companies. I want to ask you my dear readers, how could 'more experience' beat out this exhibit of pure unadulterated talent:

"

Officials confirmed this morning that the Zombie Apocalypse is imminently upon us. Are you prepared? What’s protecting your valuables from being ravaged by flesh-eating-zombies? Where are you storing your zombie-slaughtering-weapons? State of the art Bullet Safes are the elegant way to secure your Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kit (Z.A.S.K). Bullet Safes have been tested and are guaranteed to be 100% zombie proof.

Besides your Z.A.S.K, here are some other items that you can store in your Bullet Safe:

· Samurai swords, light-sabers (make sure to turn them off first), phasers, and other weapons of mass destruction

· Dinosaur DNA

· Pirate Treasure

· Expensive and flashy watches

· Unicorn magic

· The Holy Grail

· Things that’ll poke your eye out

· Documents attesting to your existence as a human being

· UFO/alien abduction footage

· Stuff that could get ruined by zombies, small children, or the combination of the two

· Secrets

· Plans to take over the world

· DVDs so that your roommates will stop pilfering them

· That one ring that rules them all, you know the one

Not only do Bullet Safes secure your priceless items from cannibalistic monsters and fires, it’ll also safeguard your things from ninja-thieves. In other words, “Swiper, no swiping!” With this kind of awesome security I bet you want to put all your things in a safe right now! I know it is pretty tempting to secure ALL of your precious valuables away in a Bullet Safe, but here are some things that you probably shouldn’t store in your safe:

· Your children

· Bananas and other produce

· Your heart

· Embarrassing baby pictures—you definitely should to display those

· Your mother-in-law’s Chihuahua

· Your mother-in-law

· Human skeletons

· Cheese

Bullet’s sleek designs are basically the embodiment of pure love in a Safe. Only Bullet Safes offer verified CNPR (Chuck Norris Protection Rating) of up to 90 minutes (depending on if he’s playing Walker, Texas Ranger or not) making Bullet the quintessential option for securing your peace of mind. During a Zombie Apocalypse, Nothing Protects Like a Bullet.

"
(name of client company changed)

Absolute genius. I bet you want to buy a safe now don't you? Experience...psh!

(ok, ok, I also sent in a more serious article to show my versatility and ability to market to broader audiences)
(and I realize that I sound really conceited. That's what months of trying to convince potential employers how amazing you are will do to you--you start believing it.)(Which only makes it more depressing and perplexing as to why you don't have a job if you're so awesome. Incongruity detected.)

Provo-Bound-Syndromes--Rhombus Article

2010-08-26T23:49:00.000-07:00

Culture-Bound-Syndromes of Provo, Utah
You can read my latest Rhombus article here!
Please do!

Dear Future Employers,

2010-08-26T13:47:00.000-07:00

I've been working for a temp agency while I'm waiting for you to realize my full potential. Here is an email that was forwarded to me this morning from a client company I worked with:

"Good Morning, Tiffany.

I just had to write and tell you want a wonderful job Krisitin did out there with her jobs. It is rare that I am able to open a package from one of the onsite processors, that is completed!

She did so fantastic, I wish I could encourage our specialists to target your area, just to be able to use her all the time.

FANTASTIC JOB!!!

Thank you so much!!!" [sic]

Here's another one:

"Hi Angela,

I just wanted to send you an e-mail to thank you for the help that Kristin was to us, She got set up and went to work and was so professional in Her dealings with us. She was a great help, I know that I would have never gotten through everything that needed to be submitted without her help. In todays world where most people are looking out for just themselves's Kristin didn’t do that She was very trustworthy and I never felt like She was doing this for her gain. She represented the company with class, so again thank you and would you please let those that need to know how helpful she was, I apprecieate it very much." [sic]

Moral of the story: I have great work ethic and I'm smart, professional, organized, and classy. Basically, I ROCK.

Please hire me.

Sincerely,

Kristin Clift

Delusions of Grandeur

2010-08-25T22:15:00.000-07:00

After a few minutes of introspection, I discovered that I fall victim to delusions of grandeur and mass-schemes to become famous. I'm a megalomaniac!! (I'm pretty sure it runs in the family).

Exhibit A: The Miss Utah USA pageant in 2008...what the what was I thinking? But I signed up for it, paid the fee and so decided to just give it my best shot because, well, I had already signed up. And now I'm slightly embarrassed whenever anyone brings it up.

Exhibit B: I'm obsessed with the idea of becoming a famous anthropologist (either famous in the anthropologist world or famous in the real world, I don't care, I just want people to know who I am). But I need to go to grad school first. But since finding a real job is impossible in this economy, I'm trying to scheme up ways to make my blog famous or something to raise money for grad school (once again with the fame *insert eye-roll here*).

So when a photographer friend sent me the link to a contest to become the next SnorgTee model...I immediately signed up for it thinking of nothing but, "I love modeling AND SnorgTees!" I couldn't help it. It just happened. After signing up for it and sending mass annoying facebook messages I realized...oh no! It happened again! Another delusion of grandeur! But hey, I already signed up for it, so I might as well continue pestering people on facebook for votes. (Vote for me here: http://www.exploremodeling.com/Casting/SnorgTees/40339/Kristin_Clift.aspx).

It's like a sneaky-delusions-of-grandeur-monster that creeps up on me and takes over my better judgment and makes me do silly things...like pageants or modeling contests. It's not an addiction! I can stop whenever I want!!

Well, we all have our vices...at least mine is forcing me to go to grad school.

Proof that I was possessed by the sneaky-delusions-of-grandeur-monster during the pageant:

See, I told you it was scary.

VOTE FOR ME!!!!!!!!

2010-08-23T15:55:00.000-07:00

Vote for me! Vote for me!! Vote for me!!!
http://www.exploremodeling.com/Casting/SnorgTees/40339/Kristin_Clift.aspx
Vote for me to become the next Snorg Tees model!!
Whenever I am feeling down, I go look at the Snorg Tees website because they literally make me laugh out loud. I always want to buy ALL THE SHIRTS but I am a starving unemployed graduate so I never do.
But it would rock my American tube socks if you voted for me!!! And tell all your friends!!! And vote on ALL your computers!!

"If you vote me, I'm hot!"--Charlie's campaign speech for Dennis from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Kristin Thinks of Nothing But Dinosaurs All Day

2010-08-23T11:22:00.000-07:00

Kristin Thinks of Nothing But Dinosaurs All Day...

This is a T-Rex Skeleton I drew with white crayon and black paper--which is like the coolest art medium ever!

And no, I don't love dinosaurs because I'm an archaeologist. Confusing archaeology and paleontology is like confusing doctors with veterinarians. And I will slap you.

and I'm obsessed with the dinosaur museum at Thanksgiving Point.

This sums it up better

2010-08-22T12:14:00.000-07:00

So you know my Thoughts on Arranged Marriages article?
This sums it up better (in a depressing kind of way).

ALIENSAURUS REX!!!

2010-08-20T12:24:00.000-07:00

My 6 year old nephew Sam and I were drawing pictures for my BFF Karma's birthday when he began to tell me about ALIENSAURUS REX.

Sam: "Aliensaurus Rex is the tallest most powerful dinosaur in the world"

Me: "Whoa"

Sam: "He's half alien and half T-Rex."

Me: "Sounds like some crazy genetics going on"

Sam: "Yeah, see what happened was aliens sent a glob of DNA through space to planet earth, but while in orbit, it accidentally went back in time. And the glob of DNA, well, it can absorb into any living thing it touches--so when it came in contact with T-Rex he transformed into Aliensaurus Rex, the tallest and strongest dinosaur ever."

Me: "Sam, you rock my world"

Sam: "I know"

Sam: "I'm a writer, you know"

Unemployment is just like Dating

2010-08-19T17:56:00.000-07:00

I’m discovering that trying to find employment is pretty similar to dating. The situations below are applicable to both:

· You search the interwebs in hope of finding something

· You search the interwebs for advice and tips in order to make yourself a more appealing candidate

· When you find something remotely interesting you make a move, indicating interest

· If that works, you’ll get a phone interview

· If that works, you’ll get to schedule a face to face meeting

· You fret over the perfect outfit to wear

· You rehearse beforehand explaining why you’re so awesome and should be selected

· You get nervous and try to act upbeat but come across over-eager at best and desperate at worst

· Then you spend all night going over and over the things you said, or pretend not to care if it didn’t go so well

· Then you wait

· And wait

· You check your phone every two minutes

· If they don’t call, you say something like “meh, I wasn’t that interested anyway!”

· When they call, you schedule a second meeting

· Then you wait again hoping this time to get a DTR (define-the-relationship) talk

· Then they have to break it to you that another applicant was “only slightly more qualified, but you should know that you’re great and very qualified in all other areas except that one”

· When you find something you really can’t get your mind off of and you think is a perfect fit, you’ll get ten other less-than-perfect offers. Then you’re unsure about if you should just sit and wait for the perfect one to realize your potential or continue pursuing the other offers, (but then you risk seeming easy, desperate or even worse--you might miss the perfect one’s phone call!).

· Then you pray

· Friends and family interrogate you as to your status, “and maybe you’re just not trying hard enough” or my favorite, "maybe you're being too picky."

· Then you consider settling, but even lesser opportunities aren’t available

· And continue praying

· Then you wait.

At least boys don't call your past boyfriends and ask for references...that would be weird.

"So how'd you make it out of BYU still single?" and other Mormondomisms

2010-08-18T22:43:00.001-07:00

“So how’d you make it out of BYU still single?” I was asked yesterday.

“Well, it was super hard. I had to fight off boys like King Leonidas had to fight off the Persian Empire…want to see my battle scars?” Is what I should have said, but instead I just shrugged, “I dunno.” Then I started wondering if I should take his question as a compliment or an insult. His question either implied, “What’s wrong with you?” or “Wow, you are so amazingly awesome, I am just so perplexed as to why you didn’t get snatched up!” hopefully he meant the latter.

At my specific college graduation ceremony the speaker announced proudly that, “60% graduated married.” Granted that my specific college happened to be ‘Family, Home, and Social Sciences’ so the whole ‘Family and Home’ part kinda indicates what type of people it attracts (yes the girls seeking their MRS degree). I’m pretty sure the 40% of us in that college who made it out alive, err…I mean single, consisted of mainly the Anthropology majors and Neuroscience majors.

So how did I make it out of BYU still single? I get that question quite frequently. The question that immediately follows is “so are you going to go on a mission?” First of all, a mission shouldn’t be a backup plan, and secondly—no.

In Mormondom (note: Mormondom is the cultural concoction resulting from combining LDS ideals and LDS humans) we have a cultural standard checklist to insure homogeneity--including but not limited to:go to BYU, go on a mission, get married immediately thereafter, and reproduce like bunnies (order depends on gender).

The truth of the matter is that life happens and sometimes you don’t always get to check off the quintessential list of cultural demands. While discussing Utah’s status as the most depressed state in the US, my professor recounted that only 18 percent of Mormons actually live up to the standard of so-called perfection that we impose upon ourselves. The numbers of “perfection” are slim but they are pervasively impactful. Comparing ourselves to a standard of the ideal, we presume to be on the tail-end of a left-skewed graph while in actuality the graph is significantly right-skewed—plot yourself accordingly.

How we perceive other Mormons (left-skewed graph mentioned above):

This is more like it (right-skewed graph mentioned above):

*x-axis: colloquial Mormondom status categories

*By "average Mormon" I don't mean "average" in the statistical sense--I mean it in the "I'm just trying to do the best I can" sense.

I'm Pretty Sure Marketing might be My Life's Calling, Maybe

2010-08-12T12:40:00.001-07:00

Exhibit A:

"How would you like to turn your home into CHUCK NORRIS?"

"Well with Hansen Security, your ninja-like home will protect your family from stabbing-robots, zombies, bears, sharks, and other evils threatening to destroy our world today."

"With Hansen Security's Hi-Tech-Super-Advanced security systems, all other houses on the block will be envious of the home your home could be like."

This pretty much sums up my life right now

2010-08-10T15:51:00.000-07:00

http://www.motivatedphotos.com/iphone/viewphoto.aspx?d=1&id=82290

Mom and Dad, Why don't you pick? Thoughts on Arranged Marriages

2010-08-06T17:57:00.000-07:00

This post is now a RHOMBUS ARTICLE!!!!!!!! Yay!!

As an aspiring anthropologist, I do not believe in the Western notion of sustainable romantic love. Cynical much? Maybe, but that’s another story.

Evolutionarily speaking, it would be advantageous to develop an attachment to a single mate to foster a stable environment in which to raise children. Unfortunately, anthropologist, Dr. Helen Fisher of Rutgers University purported that this attachment only lasts about four years, enough time to raise a child. According to Darwin’s theory of survival of the fittest our primordial ancestors would have selected towards those traits. And that is why we display those tendencies today (I totally think Evolutionary Psychology is, more often than not, just an excuse for poor behavior...more on that later). The adaptive short-term monogamous theory accounts somewhat for the exorbitant rates of divorce in this country.

You know what works? Arranged marriages. Those marriages are based on something real—filial duty and money. Or you could abandon the entire institution of marriage as we know it and live like the Nayar of southern India, a matrifocal group where the women live together permanently but several men come and go (I personally wouldn’t mind having as many partners as I choose, alas I digress).

I seriously doubt that any of us in this culture would let our parents pick our spouses and I just don’t think the Nayar set up would fly either. Is there no hope then for a happy marriage? You could ignore everything I just said and go by Dr. Spaceman’s (from 30 Rock) philosophy, “Science is whatever we want it to be.” Or you could change your paradigm.

Let’s look again at arranged marriages; the reason why they work is because there are no fairytale expectations upfront, just family respect and business. Many couples in these marriages state that they do in fact, eventually love their partner, but it’s a much different kind of love than what we expect. I’m not saying you should enter into a loveless marriage. Rather the contrary. While considering a spouse don’t look for Edward (believe me, you don’t want to be in a relationship with a guy like him—hence the bitterness) look for a friend--someone who you can rely on because when those euphoric neurotransmitters for dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin etc. (neurochemicals associated with love, lust, and attraction) dwindle--you’re gonna want to be with someone you still like to be around. All things considered, I’m not exactly the expert on getting relationships to work so you’ll have to consult someone else. That said--good luck. I’m off to go find Prince Charming!

ROLEX Tale Fail

2010-07-25T23:46:00.001-07:00

Engrish Fish Lamp Fail

2010-06-22T22:38:00.000-07:00

Speaking of "All your base are belong to us," I found another epic Engrish typo at the grocery store today...

It was on the box of one of these neat revolving fishy lamps (why not just get real fish?).

Side 1:

In case you can't read it here's exactly what it says:
1. when the lamp shade was moved, do not let the lamp bright.
2. do not put the lamp to that fall down easy.
3. when do not use the lamp pull out the mains.
4. do not near to window curtain.

Side 2: (here's where it gets fun)

Warning:
1. Please do not place it nearby strong vibration or in the dusty place.
2. Please do not touch it when operating.
3. Please do not clean it case by using paint thinner or other chemical materials. Use neuter soap or cleanser.

Although it is hilarious, I guess I can't judge too harshly because that's probably what my German sounds like. Yay for learning languages!

For your cultural education

2010-06-22T15:16:00.000-07:00

The subtitle of my blog, "All your brains are belong to me" is a play on the 12 year old meme "All your Base are belong to us" with a hint of zombie, and/or possibly an allusion to Kuru...

Meme Creatures Ranked From 1 to Awesome

2010-06-20T17:48:00.000-07:00

Click here for your listening enjoyment as you read this blogpost (but make sure to click 'open in a new tab' so that it doesn't direct you away from the blog, there's probably someway to do that when I post but I'm slightly technologically impaired).
And GO!

* Lame-sauce bird that hipsters are fond of: Owl

*Peaked in high school: Pirate

*Ruined by Twilight but still rad: Vampire

*Neat: Ninja

*I'm just really impressed with my picture: Unicorn

*Wildly Ferocious and will eat you (nom nom nom): Bear

*Beautiful but misunderstood:Shark

*Never going to be not cool: Dinosaur

*Epically amazing: Stabbing Robot

*The most awesomest thing ever: Zombie!

Wait for it!! And the grand prize goes to (drumroll please)...

*Violence is only ok when killing Nazis and Zombies, but when it comes to killing Zombie Nazis--violence is seriously fanfreakintastic!: Zombie Nazi

Seriously, don't graduate.

Cross-Cultural Observations of Age Perceptions

2010-06-19T16:40:00.000-07:00

NEW ZEALAND:

Person: How old are you?
Me: 22
Person: You're so young! You have no worries--your whole life is in front of you!
Me: :)

UTAH:

Person: How old are you?
Me: 22
Person: You're so lively for a 22 year old!
Me: ...?!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY

2010-06-18T16:13:00.000-07:00

I am so grateful my dad is not like this guy!
Thanks Dad for being sane!
Also: thanks for teaching me to ride a bike. thanks for teaching me how to drive. thanks for getting off the speaker-phone when I want to talk to mom about boys. thanks for supporting emotionally and physically and spiritually me through college (and life). thanks for teaching me how to raise fish. thanks for not taking promotions when I was little so that you could spend more time with us. thanks for giving me blessings when I am sick or sad. thanks for being patient with me while trying to teach me math (hey look I graduated college and I still don't know my multiplication tables!haha). thanks for waking me up for seminary. thanks for making me lunches every school day. thanks for always checking up on me spiritually.thanks for making the bestest cookies in the world. thanks for being the best man I know (no wonder I'm still single--I don't think any guy could live up to your example of what an excellent husband and father should be).
And lest you forgot: I LOVE YOU!

Life (or lack thereof) After College

2010-06-17T17:55:00.000-07:00

Dearest Undergraduates,

Take my advice--don't graduate from college in this economy because this is what will happen to you...

* You'll want to travel or something because you're young and have no commitments and no attachments--or you'll really want to volunteer in one of those countries your mom always tells you about when she's trying to get you to eat your vegetables. BUT! You'll have no money and therefore no life.

*You'll live out of a suitcase for months on end...

*and sleep in your nephew's castle bunk bed...

*So you'll consider getting a job...

*And you will lose all your friends...

*Then you'll want to hang out with someone other than a 4 and 6 year old, so you'll try to make new friends your age...

*You know you should be doing your research proposal to start grad school next year and be trying to find a job for the meantime, but you'll be so lonely and so poor, and so bored that you lose all your motivation to get out of bed before noon, or even out of the house before 4pm that you'll just sit and stare at the ceiling and be proud that the most productive you've been all week was drawing pictures on Paint for your blog that nobody reads.

BUT YOU'LL HAVE A DEGREE GOSH DARN-IT.

With warmest wishes,
Kristin

Film Review: Splice --WTH?!

2010-05-27T00:44:00.000-07:00

Jon Schwarzmann and I teamed up to write an unspoiled and spoiled review of Splice (chose your own adventure type reading) for Rhombus
http://www.rhombusmag.com/film/film-review-splice/
Whether you read it or not just click on the link so it looks like I get a lot of readers! :) Thanks!

-----Here's what your face will look like as you watch the movie------

1. 'Yay I'm watching a movie!!'
2. 'This is mildly entertaining so far.'
3. 'I'm so glad I didn't bring that girl I liked'
4. 'Holy $%&* what is going on?!'
5. 'Oh I get it! It's a comedy!...?'
6. '!'
7. 'MY EYEBALLS ARE BLEEDING!!!!!'

(Cartoons inspired by but not stolen from 'Hyberpole and a Half')

I miss New Zealand

2010-05-24T22:19:00.000-07:00

Here's a tribute to the awesome people I was with in New Zealand:

I should have been deciding what to do with my future, or something productive but instead I drew this

2010-05-13T03:52:00.000-07:00

Violence is Not the Answer

2010-05-10T00:59:00.000-07:00

But drawing pictures of violence is!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!

2010-05-09T03:35:00.000-07:00

That's me and my mom. Because she loves me. I love her. And the sun loves us. And there's flowers. Yay for mom's!!
I LOVE YOU!
And a special shout out to all you other moms. You're pretty cool too. And all you other ladies that are awesome...THANKS!!
OK lady love you bye bye!!

New Zealand

2010-05-01T11:32:00.000-07:00

Well folks! I'm officially leaving the country for the first time in my life. It's exciting. I'm going to be doing an ethnography of sorts on kinship and assisted reproductive technology.
It's so surreal.
Here's a picture of a Kiwi...

Twilight and Dinosaurs

2010-04-30T05:47:00.000-07:00

You know that Pride and Prejudice and Zombies book that's like way popular? Well I think they should do that with Twilight. Twilight and Dinosaurs. Here's the storyboard...

I need to find a job.

Life Lessons Learned in College

2010-04-28T18:50:00.000-07:00

Well I survived college. A whole lot of money and one degree later this is what I learned:

how to subsist on a diet of candy

how to fight off ninjas

and how to be happy even though the world sometimes feels like it's being annihilated by a stabbing robot and a fire-breathing dinosaur

Now the real question is whether or not I can find a job to apply one of these skills.

Religion of the Jedi

2010-03-18T16:39:00.000-07:00

I was looking up the religious demographics of New Zealand and saw that there are 39,636 LDS members. Neat. Well then I saw that there are 53,715 Jedi--yes as in "Use the force, Luke." AWESOME. Something tells me I'm going to fit in nicely in New Zealand.

Read this article

Hey the census is this year. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Zoolander vs Clift

2010-02-04T19:22:00.000-08:00

Feminism vs Chivalry

2010-01-05T17:19:00.000-08:00

READ MY ARTICLE, please...and I promise I'm not a man-hater!! :)

I hate scrapbooking but I made one anyway! Here's what 2009 looked like for me!

2009-12-25T03:20:00.000-08:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

And occasionaly, she dabbles in art.

2009-12-23T23:40:00.000-08:00

This is my latest installment in the 'headless angel statues charcoal drawings' series
It's an angel in case you couldn't tell.

Sam Man--Fighter of the Basement Monsters

2009-12-23T22:50:00.001-08:00

It turns out, I'm the little chicken.

I'm staying at my sister's house for Christmas, and the most room for me to sleep is in the basement. I'm afraid of the dark, monsters in basements, and being alone in the dark in a basement. So I made my 5 year old nephew Sam sleep with me because I'm scared. I disguised it as a slumber party.
Thank goodness for big brave Sam.

Bill and Ted were Lucky :(

2009-12-14T15:01:00.000-08:00

Where can I get a time-traveling phone booth so I can kidnap some ancient Fremont Native Americans for my presentation tomorrow?!

Mormon Slang

2009-12-13T16:18:00.000-08:00

Poaching: going to friend's territories, I mean wards to hunt for fresh meat.

Spot the Polygamist!!

2009-12-05T15:24:00.000-08:00

In most other states people play "Spot the Mullet"

But in Utah we play "Spot the Polygamist"

I ♥ ♥ ♥ Polyandry

2009-12-05T15:08:00.001-08:00

I have this not so secret dream of becoming a polyandrist one day.

Husband 1,2, and 3

and 4,5,6,7,8, 9, 10, 11, and 12

The way in which true nerds decide which grad school to go to.

2009-12-04T23:06:00.000-08:00

Conversation with Karma Kerr:

"Let's find a university with BOTH psychological anthropology and biological anthropology graduate programs so we can live together!"

"AWESOME"

2 hours of researching grad schools later...

Kristin:"UC San Diego!!"

Karma: "That's where Comic Con is"

Kristin and Karma: "!!COMIC CON!!"

We decided on UC San Diego not because of the beaches or the great grad school but because of Comic Con.

New Moon: From a Recovered Twilight Addict.

2009-11-29T23:49:00.000-08:00

I was going to say that I was a recovering Twilight addict but after watching this abomination of a film, it is safe to say that I am completely recovered. The twelve step program has been completed and I can now move on with my life, pursue healthy relationships and read better books.
Jordan Petersen’s review just about sums up the movie; it makes you want to vomit. I was half hoping this movie would be better than the first. I was let down. I didn’t think it could get much worse than the first installment. I was amazed to find out that it could. With such a lucrative franchise, you’d think they’d be able to afford some decent screen writers, special effect artists, and a director with a brain. But I’m not the film student, so read Jordan’s article. However, what I do have under my belt is the fact that I’ve seen the movies, read the books, and have been on both sides of the Twilight Spectrum. I am ashamed to admit but yes, I was once totally obsessed with the Twilight Series.
I can understand girls who swoon over a disco-ball vampire, because I once was one of those girls. It’s so easy to just dismiss the saga because of the appallingly atrocious writing. But judging from the success it’s had, it’s obviously not that easy to dismiss. Being on that side of sadly fanatical girls (and the occasional man), I know why. Twilight is deeply resonating in this western world view of romance we’ve been raised in. Referring to Jungian psychology, Twilight evokes the animus inside of us.
From Tristan and Isolde all the way through Twilight, Stephanie Meyer has only added to the western romance library further ruining any subscriber’s view on how a healthy relationship should be. I predict that Stephanie Meyer has helped destroy the up-coming generation of relationships. Along with Facebook, Twilight has further blurred the social lines of what is creepy, and what’s not.
I propose that whoever reads Twilight also needs to read We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love by Robert A Johnson, shortly after to remedy any unrealistic expectations that may result.
Enough with the hate Twilight tirade, here’s what was good about New Moon: Jacob’s body.

I can't believe I got a way

2009-11-29T00:46:00.000-08:00

I love being a girl.
I talked my way out of my first speeding/registration/seat belt/the officer thought I was high on paint ticket tonight.
Well first off lemme explain. I always wear my seat belt always but I took it off to lean over and find my driver's license before the officer came to my window. And when my car is in idle it smells like gasoline (which is really annoying), the officer thought it was paint. And we just got my car about a month ago and California is extremely behind on printing out registrations so I have a temporary one but the officer and I tried to unpeel the piece of paper that had the date for the registration but we were unsuccessful. And I was going 75mph.

With all that stacked up against me, I thought for sure I was going to get a ticket. But I girled my way out of it. And no, I didn't cry, whine, beg, or flirt.
I was actually going about 68 or so in the fast lane, when a guy in a black suburban in the middle lane pulled right up along side of me and started to stare at me and he gave me the creeps, I couldn't slow down because there was a car coming fast behind me (which was the cop) so I sped up to get away from the creepy guy.
I told that story to the officer and yes I might've thrown a little crack of fear in my voice for dramatic emphasis.
So he let me go.

And, I think the purse wide open full of tampons and a box of midol might have also made him go a little easier on me (or just grossed him out so much he didn't want to deal with me).

Best Birthday Party of the Century

2009-11-22T00:20:00.001-08:00

My friend and I decided to throw a double birthday party with a 1920's speakeasy theme. Amazing. It was incredible. We had mocktails, a dance floor, my photographer friend Leslie take photos, and my amazing sister tucked away in the attic doing fortune telling (she was totally legit). It was a hit!

This is why going to BYU turns you into a liberal hippie feminist

2009-11-08T01:23:00.000-08:00

Save the Women's Research Institute!

Yeah! Thanks for Kerry for editing it!

Talk Nerdy to Me

2009-11-07T00:17:00.001-08:00

Somethings are becoming socially acceptable, somethings never will be

2009-10-23T12:00:00.000-07:00

Not Creepy: Cyber Stalking

Still Creepy: Taxidermy

Morbidly Romantic

2009-10-07T10:55:00.000-07:00

Jordan's roommate gave me a beautiful rose randomly for no reason. That's odd, why did he just have a flower laying around? He told me he got it from his work.

He works at the cemetery.

Cool Updates

2009-09-28T11:01:00.000-07:00

So my life is always a dichotomy of really crappy events and really awesome events happening all at once. Crappy recent events like my car completely breaking down beyond affordable repair and my dad having 3 surgeries and being sick in the hospital (please pray for him).
But God's mechanism to keep me from losing my mind is to throw in some awesome things as well. It's a neat mechanism except for the part when people ask how I am doing, I get a really confused look on face, "uh, hmm wait let me think, I think good, well bad, but good...Ask an easier question!"
K so the good stuff: I've had three really fun photo shoots in the past 2 weeks (none of them were paid, but it's good stuff for my portfolio)! I've had 2 photographers tell me I was the best model they've worked with! And the Bridal catalog that I modeled for back in the beginning of this year finally came out! (The makeup they did wasn't that great).
And! I started writing for an online magazine for Utah Valley Called Rhombus. I volunteered to write about the party/social scene in Utah Valley.

So there's for my ambiguous life!

Disturbing information about BYU (What information isn't disturbing when it comes to BYU).

2009-09-15T15:01:00.000-07:00

In my medical anthropology class we started discussing the freshmen 15 at BYU compared to other universities. We guessed that BYU would have less of a weight gain problem because we don't drink alcohol as much compared to other universities (BYU for the 12th year in a row ranked number 1 stone-cold-sober in the Princeton Review). However if you take into consideration, meal plans, vending machines, and the fantastic creamery chocolate milk the rate of weight gain within the first year of school might be comparable. In our class we took an anonymous survey out of about 20 students only 3 had no weight gain. The rest of the class was equally divided into half people who gained and half who lost. This rumination of our class brought up another issue. Eating disorders. My professor did a statistical survey at his last university (Emory) and 6% of the female student group surveyed had admitted to an eating disorder or had had one during their time in the university, which is considerably high. A girl in my class did a study at BYU. She said that 90% of the people surveyed knew someone with an eating disorder and somewhere around %10 percent of the female surveyed admitted to it. My numbers and sources are fuzzy and not completely valid, but whatever it was it is higher than the national average.
This does not surprise me. I blame it on the competitive nature of the females in this culture. A result from a once noble turned obsessive striving for perfection. But mainly, as I do most things, I blame it on the men in this culture. I don't mean to pin point any one person, as generalizations are after all generalizations and not always the case. Something that my mother told me has forever haunted me. She and her twin sister attended BYU back in the 70's. My mom always got asked out and dated all the time. Her sister on the other hand rarely got asked out on dates. They're identical twins. The only difference was that my mom was a measly 10 pounds lighter than her sister. 10 pounds! It's not that much. But apparently to the world of BYU men who have been trained to look for this 'perfection' in women, it made all the difference.
Throughout my first 2 years here at BYU I gained fifteen pounds. I never got asked out. But when I did it was by creepers. After a parasite I lost those fifteen pounds and then I trained for a pageant losing another ten. At that point I had the most sought after desirable men chasing me. I dated every night of the week doubling up some days. And I dated jocks, male-models, doctors...Whereas 15 lbs heavier I never got a second glance. My own experience with weight fluctuation and dating proves that nothing has changed here at BYU since the 70's. The shallow men here searching for their eternal companion leave no room for imperfection including love-handles.

My mom (right) and her twin.

Me. BYU 2006. Weight: 150

Me. BYU 2008. Weight: 130

I'm just about the most narcissistic archaeologist there is

2009-09-13T22:49:00.000-07:00

Besides Josh Bernstein.

I was interviewed for BYU Weekly for our excavation.

Darwinism and depression. I want your thoughts.

2009-09-10T22:09:00.000-07:00

The sickle cell trait has been around for some time and you'd think that it would be negative on the adaptive fitness of a population. It would eventually never show up any more (because the people with it would not reproduce as much) however it is still around because it turns out to be an adaptive advantage because heterozygous carriers of the trait are less susceptible to malaria.
I would like to pose a hypothetical question. The world has seen an astronomical increase in cases of depression in the past 50 years of epidemic proportions. It seems it would eventually decrease because that's usually how evolution works. Unless there is some unknown adaptive advantage to being depressed (like the sickle cell/malaria case). If so, what do you think is the adaptive advantage of depression?

If there's a Zombie Apocalypse

2009-09-09T15:56:00.000-07:00

I'd most likely be infected.

My reasoning: I've had crypto the Utah swimming pool parasite epidemic (and I didn't even go swimming that summer). I've had mono the young adult kissing endemic, And now I might possibly have had swine flu (possibly, it hasn't been verified by a physician).

Therefore my predictions for the Zombie Apocalypse=I'd be one of the firsts to go.

Fail Blog is like crack

2009-08-23T12:35:00.000-07:00

so addicting....I was up till 4 am on fail blog laughing my butt off.

So I wanted to make some fail posts of my own, starting with this one--

Purrrr

2009-08-22T23:42:00.001-07:00

This is my dream car. One day I'll be sitting pretty behind the wheel of one of these.

Jaguar XJS mmmmmmm

I got caught

2009-08-12T22:56:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had the fear that when you screen a person's call they're in the vicinity...watching you hit the ignore button on your phone?

Oops!

You know you're in Utah when...

2009-08-08T23:48:00.001-07:00

You know you're in Utah when you're at the grocery store nearing midnight on a Saturday and a voice comes over the intercom,

"Please bring all alcoholic purchases to the front--it is now officially Sunday and you can't buy beer on a Sunday!"

Seriously!? I thought it was a joke...and then I remembered where I was.

Deep Thoughts

2009-08-07T13:52:00.000-07:00

Shouldn't funeral hearses be allowed to drive in the carpool lane? Or does the second person have to be living? What are the rules for this kind of thing?

Mission Corruption Accomplished

2009-08-06T10:46:00.000-07:00

End goal: Turn my 5 year old nephew into a gangsta

Result: http://windmillwatching.blogspot.com/2009/08/in-which-spirit-of-hip-hop-mysteriously.html

Who knows how to interpret dreams?

2009-08-06T10:17:00.000-07:00

I had a dream that my friend got turned into a walking fish...about a year ago I dreamed this friend was a shark...

What could it mean?!

Alright all you Shamans out there give me your best shot.

My Next Car/Home

2009-07-27T18:58:00.000-07:00

Thanks to BYU, I have a phobia of being homeless because in between semesters we get kicked out of our apartments and we can't move into our next one for about two weeks. We got a petition going last year to get them to do something about it. Their response this year is to "look into hotels and storage facillities"...like college students are made of that much money.

So this is my dream car so if I am homeless again, I won't really be. I'll live in this here van down by the river and shower at the gym.

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,700252150,00.html

Social Experiment

2009-07-24T16:18:00.000-07:00

Menstruating Monster

Go to the grocery store in sweat pants. Put your worst I-hate-life-men-and-cramps face on and fill your cart with these items:

Loads of chocolate
Ice Cream
Icy Hot packs
Tampons and Pads
Midol
PMS Tea
Pickles (I've heard pickle juice alleviates cramps)
More chocolate
anything else you can think of that screams, "I'm menstruating!"

Now if an unsuspecting clerk comes to ask you if you need help, scowl or yell profanities.
This experiment is for females typically but would be AMAZING if a man did this.

Observe reactions.

Conclude Social Experiment 1.

Hitler Called, He Wants His Nazis Back

2009-07-23T09:51:00.000-07:00

I picked up my friend Daniel from the moped mechanic the other day and so to return the favor he bought me ice cream and dinner. His car was in the Brigham Landing parking lot where we obtained and enjoyed our Sub Zero ice cream. For convenience’s sake we took his car to dinner. I didn’t want to get a parking ticket so I moved my car into a spot that wasn’t painted as a 30-minute zone. When we went to pick up my car later that evening we came back to find that it had disappeared. We both had missed the small sign at the large entrance warning us that this site was a University Parking Enforcement lot. It had been towed and it cost me $133 of hard-earned money I couldn’t afford. When we went to go pick up my car, I couldn’t help but notice that the University Parking Enforcement’s office was lavishly furnished including large plasma TVs. Obviously they’re doing quite well making a profit off of starving college students. While they’re watching their plasma TVs on their expensive leather couches, I’ll be selling plasma so I can pay my rent. And that’s only one of my parking woes.

I am sure the majority of students at Brigham Young University who own a car could commiserate with me on this statement; University Parking Enforcement is evil. There’s no better way to ruin your day than to come back to your car to find a ticket or a boot on it; or even worse, to not find your car at all.

The people who work for these booting/towing companies have been trying to gain the sympathy of the community, saying things like, “we’re just trying to do our jobs just like everyone else.” An article in the Daily Universe February 17, 2005 , titled, “Forget A’boot It” tried to win over readers with sob stories of the booters themselves and how awful their jobs are especially when people are rude. My response to those poor people ‘just trying to do their job’ is to get a new job. The article suggested to the victims of the booters, “Next time you’re confronted by the orange monster clinging to your tire, don’t weep, wail and gnash your teeth in the general direction of the booter. Smile, pay the fine, say “thank-you” and go on with the rest of your life.”

I’ve always been respectful to the people who take away my rent and grocery money. My problem isn’t with the actual employees themselves. Finding parking around Provo is hard enough as it is. Why do they have to put ridiculously absurd regulations on every-single-blessed available parking spot?! Why do they all have different rules and hours so you never know when and where it’s ok to park?! The University Parking Enforcement always says the rules are listed on the sign at the entrance to the parking lot. Is it just me or are these signs impossible to see and read? They are so tiny and never well lit. How in the world are we supposed to stop and read the signs at the entrance while turning into a parking lot from a busy road without getting t-boned from the speeding cars, in the dark, or in the snow?

The University Parking Enforcement is supposedly designed to make sure that residents of a complex will always have parking, so they claim on their website. But there are several issues with this. One being that there is NEVER enough parking at any given apartment complex. Also on that note, there is NEVER enough parking around the university in general. They built a whole new parking garage, but they gave it to the grad students. The grad students also took over the entire lot by the Wilkinson Center and the Grad school. The university responded to the outraged students by telling them that BYU is not a commuter school and then forcing us to live within a one-mile radius of campus (which only leads to slumlords, but that’s a whole other issue).

Consider this: you’re a student in an art class and you have a huge project due–literally huge, impossible to carry a mile in the snow. But there’s no parking. What about this scenario: you’re a girl who lives in an apartment complex; one that’s always supposed to have parking available but there’s none. Ironically there’s a nice empty parking lot right next to your apartment but it’s forbidden for anyone to park there after midnight . You drive around the streets looking for a spot but every inch of the curb is taken up by the overpopulated community of BYU. You find a spot, finally, but it’s ten blocks away. It’s nighttime, you’re alone, and of course the street lights are non-existent or broken because the city of Provo isn’t too good at keeping the streets lit (also another issue). As you’re walking home you’re wondering if you’ll be the headline in tomorrow’s newspaper as a robbery or rape victim.

There are also some people who think that the parking enforcement is just another way to enforce the Honor Code by booting after midnight . Although this might not be the actual credo of the company, I’m sure this fact appeals to University officials and housing management. This, too, is obnoxiously annoying for any gentleman who has the common decency to walk his date to the door and make sure she gets home all right by midnight only to come back to find his car already with a boot on it. These situations I have described are just some of the many scenarios in which we are being taken advantage of by ‘the Nazi’s of the streets’ (as they are affectionately called by everyone with whom I have discussed this matter).

Why did whoever let this company reign with terror in the streets of Provo ever think this was a good idea? We’re college students!!! We’re not made of money–that should be implied by its very nature. The supposed good reasons for this company only cause more detrimental problems than they solve. If I had my way I would abolish University Parking Enforcement all together. However knowing that that outcome would be impossible, I would like to suggest a few ways in which we can make this ordeal better.

The signs need to have the rules largely and clearly stated. The signs also need to be not only at the entrance of the parking lot, lit or made of a brighter reflecting material (as most signs without a hidden agenda to suck your money from you are), but also should be placed in front of the parking stalls themselves so as to not block traffic while you try to sit and read that tiny sign and find all the rules. There needs to be some regularity in all of the lots everywhere so as to avoid confusion. To charge college students the rates they charge should be a crime. They need to lower the rates and loosen up on their Hitler-like grip.

Several people with whom I’ve talked who have tried to appeal their wrongful ticket/boot/tow have said that the process and the papers are so ridiculous and take an incredible amount of time to ever get anything done. Since the University Parking Enforcement is making enough money to afford flat screens maybe they should be putting that money toward getting the processing of appeals done faster or bettering their signs. University Parking Enforcement seems like a scam, convincing BYU housing management and local companies that they are doing a noble thing while sucking every last penny from college students’ meager wallets.